CHANGING OUR PERCEPTION HELPS US RECLAIM ENERGY

When we see anxiety as an enemy and personalise it by saying we hate it, we give anxiety more power over us.

We see anxiety as something we have to fight, and we resent it. Feeling this way about anxiety puts us in a victim mindset. The result is exhaustion - when we feel like we are fighting anxiety we are losing energy.

PROGRAMS RUNNING IN THE MIND

We’ve all done it. It's the default setting of a suffering mind. We don't like how we feel, so we declare it. I hate this! But anxiety isn't personal. It's not listening and it's not going to back off and leave us alone - unless we make the choice to deal with it by taking action.

“Changing the way we feel about our anxiety and switching our perspective to seeing it as an emotion, or a messenger that is trying to communicate something to us is a positive first step in regaining our power and sense of control over anxiety.”

STOP FIGHTING, START CALMING

The way to master anxiety is to stop fighting it and start taming it Taming anxiety begins with paying attention to what’s beneath its noise, chaos, and symptoms.

With anxiety, we feel its turbulence, and we get swept away and exhausted by it. But there is more to anxiety than its distracting drama - everyone’s anxiety has a story, it has its own triggers and messages. Like a recipe, there are ingredients to our anxiety and when we learn to examine it and deconstruct it we can change the recipe and, in doing so, we change the end result.

LOOK WITH FRESH EYES

Getting curious is an important shift that helps us look into our anxiety for more information and, with support, we can begin working with that information and responding to anxiety’s message rather than reacting on autopilot with fight, flight or freeze responses.

In the face of the challenges of the Covid-19 pandemic, many people have taken opportunities to help others and found it rewarding for themselves, too. We discover why, for them, it’s a good time to get kind

On the day lockdown was announced in Wales, Beverley Jones, 56, was busy putting notes through doors in her village of Raglan. “If in this time of isolation you need anything from the shop, we will be popping up each morning,” she wrote. “Don’t hesitate to call at any point.” Since then, she’s been shopping for nine households each week.

“I have certain days for different people and every morning I go and get the papers,” she says. “The weeks fly by.”

Doing this has helped Jones cope during the pandemic. “I have anxiety,” she says. “So helping others gives me a purpose, routine, and a little bit of control over my diary. It also gives me great joy to know I’m helping others in their time of need.”

When Positive News put a call out on social media for people who have helped others during the pandemic, hundreds of responses were received. During lockdown, many of you have signed up as volunteers, helped vulnerable people in your community, or carried out small acts of kindness.

So, do crises bring out the best in us? We asked people what altruistic acts they’ve been doing and why, and spoke to psychologists, to find out how giving boosts our mood and helps us to stay resilient.

Many people said they wanted to play their part in the response to the coronavirus crisis. For example, Joe Tannorella was frustrated when he felt there was nothing he could do to support others.

An activity that carries meaning for us will boost our mood

“It was really bugging me that I couldn’t do anything to help,” he says. So Tannorella set up CheersNHS, a way for people to say thank you to NHS workers by buying them a takeaway. “It’s so nice to see the impact we’re having,” he says. “It really does restore my faith in humanity. I’ve never been so happy to be busy.”

Rebecca Bradley, a HR consultant, has been shopping for her friend Iris, who is in her 90’s. She has also been researching the impact helping others has on our mood. Bradley asked 80 people to fill in a mood tracker every day for the past 50 days and has been analysing the results.

“It’s been ever so interesting,” says Bradley. “[I can see that] helping others has had an impact on how I and others feel.”

Psychologists have found a number of reasons for this. One is that helping others feels meaningful. Times of crisis make us re-evaluate what is important to us, Dr Rachel Allan, a chartered counselling psychologist based in Glasgow, says.

“Sometimes when life’s going on as normal and we’re on that treadmill, we don’t stop to reflect,” she says. “But now, more of us are pausing to think about what matters to us and what life we want to lead. An activity that carries meaning for us will boost our mood.”

A virtuous circle

Claire Goodwin-Fee is a psychotherapist who has set up a bank of more than 3,000 volunteers to give frontline workers emotional support during the pandemic. She says some people, like herself, may be motivated by gratitude.

“My dad was sick in intensive care and I was really grateful for what [healthcare workers] had done for my family,” she says. “So on a human level it gives me a chance to reciprocate.”

Engaging in acts of kindness may also improve our mood during the pandemic because it gives us something to focus on, and a sense of control.

“At the moment, so much has been taken away from us but [kindness] is one thing we do have control over and is a positive distraction,” Goodwin-Fee says.

Social distancing measures have also taken away our usual way of connecting with others and volunteering can partially restore these.

We feel that kindness comes back somehow and that it swells around us

“It connects us to other people and to something that’s bigger than us, so you feel part of a bigger movement,” Goodwin-Fee says. “It makes us feel like we’ve got a legacy and that we’ve contributed. We feel that kindness comes back somehow and that it swells around us”.

Kind acts even release feel-good hormones and physically change our brains. “For example, gratitude creates different pathways in your brain and changes the way your brain looks and functions,” Goodwin-Fee says.

None of this is to say that kind acts do not often take hard work, time, energy and commitment. People who are kind also deserve gratitude and recognition themselves, of course. But Beverley wants her neighbours to know they are not a burden and that they have helped her enormously during the pandemic shutdown.

“[People] keep saying they feel bad asking me for help,” she says. “But what they don’t realise is that they’re doing me a favour, too.”

Image: Volunteers at the Chelsea and Westminster Hospital unload meals for NHS workers, prepared by Annabel’s private members club, in London. Peter Nicholls/Reuters

Teenagers get a bad rap, but research suggests they go beyond expectations when it comes to showing kindness and empathy

Teenagers all too often get a bad rap. But recent research from the University of British Columbia in Canada suggests that teenagers “surpass expectations” when it comes to doing kind things for other people.

The pandemic has led to a surge in people, including teenagers, volunteering in their community, which doesn’t surprise Prof John-Tyler Binfet, the academic behind the study.

“The research is really challenging this notion that teenagers are self-serving,” he says. “I’m not downplaying bullying in schools, but my focus is to find out what they’re doing well, as a way of getting more of that out of them.”

Binfet adds that acts of kindness can result in a positive impact on others, not just the recipients. His findings show positive effects on the atmosphere in schools, as well as improved student-to-student relationships and student behaviour. Acts of kindness also produce a ripple effect.

‘This research is challenging the notion that teenagers are self-serving’. Image: Nathan Anderson

“Doing kind acts creates this behavioural pattern in children and adolescents,” he says. “They see the world through a kind lens and seek opportunities to be kind; the ripple effect is this idea that the recipient of kindness has a higher propensity to, in turn, do more kindness.”

In Trafford, Greater Manchester, 15-year-old Lucy Spark has been using her spare time this year to get involved in Digital Buddies, a Covid-19 response initiative set up by the charity Salford Foundation. Teens taking part help older people who are struggling to use their phones or computers, to combat feelings of loneliness. Spark was paired with Sue, who is in her 70s; they have spoken every week since. “I loved having contact with a member of my community who I would never have spoken to before,” Spark says.

The pandemic isn’t the only crisis to have inspired kindness in teenagers. A survey by the Royal Society of Chemistry, carried out in February, found that more than half of 15- to 18-year-olds consider the climate crisis to be the biggest problem facing the world today.

Doing kind acts creates this behavioural pattern in children and adolescents – they see the world through a kind lens and seek opportunities to be kind

In Malmesbury, Wiltshire, 15-year-old Ben Thornbury is one UK teen being kind to the environment, by clearing litter from his town’s streets and car parks every day. He also formed a volunteer community group four years ago with his 61-yearold neighbour, Julie Taylor.

Meanwhile, Lily Tibbitts, 16, from Northumberland, has been carrying out weekly beach clean-ups with a group of other teenagers since the lockdown. “We are all passionate about environmental and climate change projects,” she says. “[Tidying] the seafront was a simple action we could take.”

Binfet notes that it is far easier for teenagers to follow their peers than to take action that might make them stand out from the crowd. “Being a teenager is a time when there is heightened self-censorship and scrutiny and self-doubt,” he says. “It takes a lot of bravery and guts to be kind.”

How to encourage kindness in teenagers

1. Create space for reflection

Ask teenagers about the last time someone was kind to them and how it made them feel, Binfet suggests. Reflecting on this can help inspire them to pay it forward.

2. Model positive behaviour

Think about ways you can carry out random acts of kindness yourself so that teens you’re connected to can see the benefits.

3. Celebrate imperfection

Make sure teenagers know it’s OK not to do things perfectly first time and that small acts of kindness all add up, says Binfet, as they may have some trepidation at first.

4. Encourage volunteering

If teens near you are stuck for ideas, there are many organisations, such as the UK’s National Citizen Service Trust, that offer opportunities for young people to volunteer.

Self-kindness can boost our mental health and help us navigate stressful situations. This is what we can do to nurture more of it

Observing the breeze blow gently through the trees, savouring the delicate taste of a morning cuppa and curling up with a diverting novel in hand: far from being an extravagance, as these acts of self-kindness have sometimes been treated, they are in fact the fundamental building blocks of strong mental health.

In a world that is increasingly time-pressured and an economic model that has an unyielding focus on improving efficiency, it is easier than ever to overlook or de-prioritise your personal feelings and needs.

But according to psychologists, the art of self-kindness, although something that can be honed, is not something that should be optional. Whether it be in the realms of the physical, emotional, spiritual, or indeed professional, being conscious and sensitive towards yourself, they say, is key preparation for everything that life throws at us.

“It can change your life massively,” says Juandri Buitendag, a counselling psychologist who founded JB Wellness Dynamics, a London-based psychology therapy practice. “It’s true that at first humans were just on this world to survive. But the world has changed and there are many things to deal with: we’re on this constant hamster wheel. Therefore, self-care, self-kindness and empathy is so important.”

Image: Green Chameleon

Finding freedom in boundaries

According to Buitendag, there are a number of techniques that can be applied in order to nurture self-kindness, which will then allow us to navigate future stressful situations such as relationship crises or career problems.

“My number one thing is boundaries – psychological and physical – especially in such a volatile world,” she says. “Put away your laptop and your work. Make sure you take that lunch break. If you stay away for a weekend, make sure you don’t work. If you’re not well then take time off. It allows us to be more focussed and happier in what we do.”

Another approach that Buitendag recommends is to keep a gratitude journal, in which you write down three things you’re grateful for each day. “Focus on more specific details, like if you went to order a coffee and the server made a joke,” she explains. “Being in the here and now and noticing the smaller things helps us to foster a more positive mindset.”

Lastly, Buitendag suggests seriously controlling your social media feeds. “It’s a really big issue with my clients,” she says. “Social media can make you feel worthless about yourself. But it seems very difficult to avoid. Instead of completely shutting it out, take digital detoxes. And filter out anything that could be damaging to you.”

Celebrating imperfection

Prof Margareta James, founding director of the Harley Street Wellbeing Clinic, believes the philosophy behind the centuries-old Japanese art of kintsugi, in which practitioners fix broken pottery with a special tree sap lacquer dusted with powdered gold, is key in understanding and mastering the art of self-kindness.

Translating literally as ‘golden joinery’, the unique method visually emphasises the fractures and breaks of an object instead of hiding or disguising them. That does not, she adds, mean that we should all become pottery repair experts.

Being in the here and now and noticing the smaller things helps us to foster a more positive mindset

“It’s like saying: ‘I accept who I am’,” says James. “Step one for self-kindness is being brutally honest about yourself and accepting whether you are lying to yourself about anything. Positivity isn’t ignoring the hurt. It’s saying that in the midst of hurt and pain that we can make a change in the future.”

The result? “After that, it’s easy,” she says. “Then if something goes wrong, you can be kind to yourself like a best friend.”

Thinking positively

Professor James also believes that short daily exercises can help us to nurture the art of self-kindness, citing research by Harvard University showing that if you think positively about specific events for two minutes per day for 30 days, the brain develops a ‘background scan’ for positive thinking.

“Some people have it more naturally,” says James. “It all comes from how people receive feedback as they grow up. If parents are too critical as a child it can be very difficult. But from the perspective of the brain we need to develop habits so that subconsciously we always look for the positives.”

The result is that we become more solution-focused when faced with challenges. “It means that even if you are in difficulty or really struggling, you will have an ability to look at it more objectively and have a way of looking for a solution,” she adds. “When we understand this, we can make incredible change.”

The next level is to use five minute-exercises to project a “big movie screen in your mind” to imagine what would happen if everything went well in your life. “In sports, they use visualisation to enhance performance too,” says James. “What could happen? How could you see yourself? Those questions will help you shape your future.”

Three people, who gave up their time to help others during the coronavirus crisis, reflect on their experiences

The local helper

Naomi Empowers, a single mother from west London, has always done charity work. But after being furloughed from her job as a business coach because of the pandemic, she has thrown herself into helping others.

As she raises her children, aged five and seven, alone, they go with her as she delivers prescriptions and shopping to people who can’t leave the house. She says it provides a valuable lesson about “the importance of community and recognising that we are all connected”.

Empowers was also one of more than 1 million people who signed up to be an NHS Volunteer Responder. She is alerted when someone nearby needs help via an app (called Good Sam) and if the family is able to, they spring into action.

“A number of single-parent families who were struggling reached out to me,” she explains. “I put a post on social media to say we have some families who are not sure how they are going to feed their kids, can we come together and help? Within the space of a couple of hours, we had raised £200 and some volunteers had gone out to do the food shopping. Because I had been doing that sort of thing independently anyway, I decided to sign up to the more organised response as well.

“I always think that could so easily be me and if I was in a situation where I didn’t have the means or capacity to feed my kids, then I would hope that someone would step up and help; so I try to be that person for someone else.”

The charity volunteer

Helen Wright has been volunteering with a local charity in York called Move the Masses, which encourages physical activity. Wright, who is self-employed, normally works in the sports industry on large-scale events such as the Cricket World Cup.

She began volunteering in January 2019 for the charity’s walking buddy service called Move Mates, and was paired with an 87-year-old woman for short weekly walks. In March, because of the pandemic, they had to stop walking – and Move the Masses “transformed the roles of their volunteers overnight,” Wright says.

The charity is small but making a big difference; more than 1,000 prescriptions have been delivered and volunteers made more than 600 calls or sent letters to check on isolated vulnerable people in the first seven weeks of lockdown. As well as taking prescriptions to those isolating, Wright has also been writing weekly letters to her former walking partner, who is hard of hearing so can’t speak on the phone.

“I have felt so much love from those I have dropped prescriptions off at and had many doorstep socially distanced chats because people are feeling more isolated than ever before. It’s a nice feeling to get on my bike, cycle to the chemist, queue for a prescription and drop it off. It barely takes an hour out of my day to be kind.”

Wright has also felt a sense of community among the volunteers. “There is a great camaraderie amongst the volunteers in the Facebook group who I have never met, but we are all supporting the city during this strange time,” she says.

The NHS worker

Gemma Harrop, from Shropshire, has been working with patients hospitalised with Covid-19 as a higher therapy support worker, alongside physiotherapists and occupational therapists.

“After dealing with a patient on the ward, I asked if there was anything they needed, such as a cup of tea. She said: ‘Oh I just want something to read’,” Harrop explains. “It just struck me that [as] we don’t have any TVs on the wards and no visitors are allowed at the moment, how lonely it must be,” Harrop continues. “We managed to source a magazine for her and she was just so happy. I thought if that magazine helped make one afternoon a bit easier for her, then that’s amazing.”

Harrop began calling local publications as well as posting on social media to see if she could get donations for her ward. The response was huge: more than 500 items including magazines, newspapers and even colouring books have been sent, which she has distributed across several wards at the hospital.

“Everyone I called said yes. They were really willing to help in any way they could, because of the current climate,” she says. “When I was first starting out, it made me a bit nervous that I was putting myself out there in front of my colleagues, because I haven’t been there very long, but the feedback was really positive.

“The patients are going through a tough time at the moment. Not only are they ill but they don’t have their family, so even something as small as getting [a magazine] to read is really huge.”

Syria, January 2020

Dr. Ammani Ballour started volunteering as a young pediatrician, just out of university. She began serving the many injured people in the besieged eastern region of Ghouta, and many years later, found herself managing around 100 staff members in an underground hospital known as the ‘Cave’.

At the cave, Dr. Ballour and the staff risked their safety to save the lives of so many people, including children suffering the effects of chemical weapons.

It was a “beacon of hope and safety for many besieged civilians”, says Secretary-General of the Council of Europe Marija Pejčinović Burić, who awarded Dr. Ballour the European Raoul Wallenberg prize for remarkable humanitarian acts on January 17th. Incidentally, this date also marked 75 years since Wallenberg was arrested by Soviet forces in Budapest after the city was liberated.

The Secretary-General continued to say that “Human rights and personal dignity are not a peacetime luxury. Dr. Amani Ballour is a brilliant example of the empathy, kindness, and greatness that can flourish even in the most acute circumstances: in the midst of war and suffering”.

Finland, February 2020

In an endeavor to encourage fathers to spend more time with their children, Finland’s new government announced that all parents would receive the same parental leave. The paid allowance per family was increased to a combined 14 months, coming to 164 days per parent.

This initiative was the start of “a radical reform of family benefits”, according to Health and Social Affairs Minister, Aino-Kaisa Pekonen. Previously, fathers had just over half the parental leave of mothers, with an added six months that could be shared, yet only one in four fathers even took their leave. It is hoped that the new allowances will increase this number.

The Prime Minister, Sanna Marin, says that her country still has a ways to go to achieve gender equality, and hopes to see more fathers spending time with their children in the early ages.

Democratic Republic of Congo, March 2020

Healthcare workers sang and danced in jubilation when the last Ebola patient being treated in the Democratic Republic of Congo (DRC) was released from her treatment center. A video shared by the World Health Organization showed the patient emerging to high spirits of celebration.

The woman was discharged from a center in Beni town, which had been one of the hotspots of the second-deadliest outbreak of the disease, which began in August 2018. 46 people who came into contact with the final patient were still monitored after the event, but the DRC was finally declared Ebola-free in June. Woohoo! One pandemic down, one to go...

England, April 2020

A British war veteran had high hopes for raising £1,000 by completing 100 laps of his garden in Bedfordshire before his 100th birthday. Little did he know that he would blast his goal out of the water, and become a national icon. Captain Tom Moore reached the £30 million mark in April, raising funds for the British National Health Service (NHS) with the help of over 1.5 million supporters.

The captain set out on his venture as a way to thank the “magnificent” NHS staff who provided his treatment for cancer and a broken hip. With the help of his trusty walking frame, he planned to walk the 25-meter loop of his garden 100 times over, in 10-lap bursts, by April 30.

He completed the challenge ahead of time on 17th April, when the amount raised reached £17 million, which was confirmed as the largest total ever raised for a JustGiving campaign, and certainly the fastest. By April 30th, when the campaign closed, Capt. Tom had raised over 30,000 times as much as he had originally intended!

Beyond the great financial support he generated for the NHS, Captain Tom Moore touched the hearts of many, and lifted the spirits of the nation in showing what a little self-belief, courage, and a whole lot of kindness can do.